my mind
You just read my mind
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
A fake ID that makes you younger
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.