*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Thursday
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich