An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dream job is getting paid to dream