HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
peep davidson
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Squirrels before girls.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.