me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be