*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…