Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
You Might Also Like
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…