As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?