i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Yup!
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that