A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what