Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Banana is the quietest snack
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”