Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
cat vs inanimate object
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop