customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Seas the day!!!!
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁