If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Shower sex be like:
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.