bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*