Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him