Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.