A huge thanks to the person that did this
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.