Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”