me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Noah
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.