Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
All generalizations are stupid.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?