The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
very niche meme I made
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.