It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?