*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Mhm.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif