me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”