Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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I’m not wrong
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!