No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Wait a minute
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”