“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You Might Also Like
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
excuse me
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”