I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You Might Also Like
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35