i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
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Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?