My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Saturday
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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