I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Don’t talk down to me
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no