I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You Might Also Like
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.