My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
LMAO
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
me when the borders lift
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.