Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house