Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?