sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.