What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My sex drive has a dui
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Harsh but fair