Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me