*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.