“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My kitchen overserved me.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?