pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.