Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
@ candidates for local office
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Confused owl: What?!
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️