My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts