“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Every damn time
Education is vital
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine