[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
You Might Also Like
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’m already scared
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to