You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend