It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
hmm conte-me mais
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me, flirting😏
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen