Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey