“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses